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| Poetry | |
| Short Stories | |
| Expository Essays |
 Jesus jumped Up Christ, has it really been that fucking long?! Seems like only yesterday I was the singular, self-absorbed, god-complex of some high school in some town that most people ask me to repeat the name of. Well, I've shortened up that title just a bit to: Brad. Still have a God-complex, but who wouldn't if they were as great as me (that's a joke for any and all laypersons laying about) It's the month of Santa's and sleighbells, high prices and even higher blood-pressure, carollers carolling and those damn guys with the bells who ask you for change all the time even though it's obvious that you're just a college kid and every red cent that you sweat to earn needs to go to bills, cigarettes, or drugs and alcohol so you just walk by while they give you disparaging looks and ring their little bells louder and faster in mocking are out in droves. Nothing signifies to the college student that a wondrously long Christmas break is almost upon them more than FINALS. You've feared them for most of your adolescent lives and now that you're finnally an adule who can deal with silly intangibles like fear, you fear them once again. The page long essay questions about how the industrial revolution has effected the literature that a Mid-Western farmer keeps on his shelves haunts you in your sleep. But, sweating and hunched you trudge into a classroom at some ungodly hour with nothing but Economics in your brain due to all other information includinng the location of your house haveing been removed the previous night. Too bad this is a philoosophy test. As your 304th No-Doze wears off you come to this realization. Paniic sets in. Panic turns into Fear, Fear into blind Rage. When the police do finally climb up the mountain of corpses that were once your fellow students and faculty all you can tell them is what the hidden costs of your actions are and how various stocks are going to be affected. Yeah, Welcome back Kotter. Things like that may not happen to most of your average Joe Colleges. Not your Birkenstocked, Khaki shorted, factory ripped baseball capped, "I listen to rap music cause it makes me feel cool to bump it real loud in the navigator that my denstist daddy bought for me" type of fellow. This happens to me. And me only. While everyone else is worrying about what kind of cereal to have in their dining hall, I'm worryinig about flesh eating robots, alpacas, and why the pizza place calls me up when i even think about pizza. Why? Because I don't have any cereal, I buy my own groceries and the off-brand cinnamon toast crunch that I did buy got eaten in about a week. When you make sandwhiches until 2a.m. every night and then get up at 7 for class you can't help but notice that they really are watching you. Me, I like to give them a show, dance naked right out of the shower, randomly scream nonsensical phrases whilst sitting alone. Mix in the added stress of finals and cook at a snot freezing temperature of 15 degrees and its no wonder the alien fetus in my head is getting angry. The little fucker has a right to be, and so do I. I haven't brushed my teeth in a couple of days, green mucous missles have been ejecting themselves from various parts of my face all day, and right now I just need a fucking beer. Merry Christmas to all and to all a quick lay in the copy room with that kinda cute chick from the next cubicle, her ass banging repeatedly into the "print" button, your face stuffed into her armpit, the two day old pit-stubble scraping its razor sharp love across your face, post-coital shame and more heavy drinking. And a Happy New Year The world can be a beautiful place ya know? Sure sometimes it seems like shit aint goin' so well, but maybe we're all just trying too hard. Sunny, blue sky days like this one make you see everything in a better light. I can honestly say that so far today my life is perfect, and as long as my girlfriend calls me tonight it will remain perfect. The other day i was sitting around with my good friend Ryan Fallon and we were smokin' a J. When we got done i went to throw the roach in the toilet to be flushed.(Yes, i am a master of destroying evidence. Unless of course you consider the fact that i once video taped me and some other folks getting high and then my parents found the tape. But barring that one incident i'm pretty good.) I looked down and beheld the greatest work of art that i have ever created. The roach was floating right beside a condom that i had disposed of about half an hour earlier. This duo of great metaphorical value was framed by the oval-shaped seat of the toilet. This was, i thought, a great memorium to generation X. I called ryan into the bathroom to check it out and we both stood there, awestruck and hungry. There were tears in our eyes, but we were high so we just needed some visine. It's little perfect moments like these that make life perfect. I would talk about something having to do with my girlfriend to further explain this point, but trying to pick the most perfect moment with her is like trying to decide which canadian to kill first. There are just so many of them all prime for the killing, just like there are so many perfect moments with her. Thats another thing, I've noticed an alarming rate of canadians in the state of Georgia lately. I'm not talking about 2 or 3, but about 60 or seventy cars worth. I've driven I-75 many times within the last couple of months and to my horror many of the cars are bearing Ontario license plates. Thats right, the Canadians are invading. They're doing so quietly but they have come for us all the same. Now is the time for us to be ever watchful. If you're driving along down one of our nations highways and bi-ways, and you happen to see a license plate from any one of the Canadian provinces.....RUN THOSE BASTARDS OFF THE ROAD!!! We cannot let them overtake us. That would be like the French actually participating in, and winning a war; rather than give themselves up like the chain smoking, pigeon eating pussies that they are. Do you want mounties patroling your neighborhood, peeping in your windows and saying "aboot" all the damn time?! Well if you do you're probably a Canadian so do yourself a favor and go back before we find out where you live and rape your skull! We true, blue blooded americans like our crime infested streets and crack smoking youth. We here at the Canadian Haters in America ( C.H.I.A ) have formed a task force in order to rid our country of the plague of french speaking, flannel shirt wearing, piss beer drinking vermin that are infesting a town near you. The Canuks might be living right next door, or down the street! The American government won't come right out and say it, but we at C.H.I.A. have had a talk with them, and they would be very happy if people would go door to door with shotguns and other weaponry weeding out Canadians and Canadian sympathizers for immediate extermination. I'm jewish and you're all probably wondering how i could participate in such an exercise in genocide after the holocaust destroyed many of my people. The answer: we've gotta get revenge on somebody; it might as well be a group of people that everyone can hate. Before C.H.I.A. was ever started there was a massive amount of market research done to determine the most hatable group of people in the world. Canadians were the winners, with the French coming in a close second. We would be sorry for the Canadians, if we were capable of such things here. I mean it's not really there fault that they suck; they don't really know any better. That's why the C.H.I.A board of directors ( C.H.I.A.B.O.D. ) have come up with a simple way for any Canadian person to stay alive in this country. If you are a Canadian all you have to d to save your poor pathetic soul is to have sex with an American. Of course there are guidelines to this little loop hole: 1) This person must be having sex with you of their own volition, rape doesn't count. 2) There must be no monitary transaction involved (aka: prostitution and the like) 3) You must petition the C.H.I.A.B.O.D. within 5 days of said intercourse so that we may send a representative to witness the union....in other words we have to see you do it again. 4) Both parties must be under the influence of no mind altering substances at the time of the union (this includes alcohol, but does not include cigarettes) 5) The American partner will be questioned after the representative has witnessed the nasty. If said partner is not satisfied sexually with the Canadian then admission as an American will be denied. 6) There are no limitations placed on the physical appearance of the American partner. They may bear a close resemblance to a mule's nutsack as far as we are concerned, just as long as you are both doing the dirty and enjoying it. 7) If any attempt is made to falsify information presented to the C.H.I.A.B.O.D. the Canadian and the American partner (who is obviously a Canadian sympathizer) will not be executed immediately. Instead they will be subjected to the most painful forms of torture that we can devise ( most of which involve golf clubs, glass tubing, and bees) for a period of four weeks, and the they will be executed. In other words: don't try and dick us over or we'll fuck you up. If you or someone you know is a Canadian for God's sake get them some help! We at C.H.I.A. are ruthless bastards and we enjoy our work but we don't want to have to get off the couch if we don't have to. Either send Canadians back to Canada or fix them up with someone who will at least fuck them. If, however, you know someone who is proud of their Canadian heritage and doesn't wish to give it up....call us and we'll erase their ass. Just a reminder that when the American government officially recognizes us, and provides us with funding there will be a full scale assault on Canada (and probably France if we get bored) which will show no mercy to any Canadian citizen. Judging by the intelligence of our current president we should have some sort of office space in Washington by the end of Spring. Then it's only a hop skip and a jump to atomic warfare. Any Canadian who tries to stop us will be dealt with swiftly and mercilessly. But then again what the hell would a Canadian do to us anyway, caucasian us to death? Just think of Alex Trebek trying to stop someone from doing anything. Of course we might be laughing so hard that we stumble and scrape our knees or something, but we've got ouchless band-aids. Canadians beware, your imminent destruction is nigh. Things have changed slightly since the last time i occupied web space with my thoughts...namely, now im in college. That's right folks, the government in its great wisdom has seen fit to accept me to one of their fine institutions. I currently attend the fine academy of the University of Georgia, a.k.a. where every hot girl in the state goes to college. It amazed me that there are even this many women in Georgia let alone the fact that they are all insanely gorgeous. Of course, being a blue-haired punk kid i have no hope of ever even getting the chance to talk to a woman on campus without her screaming and firing a large amount of pepper spray into my eyes, let alone ever score with one. I'm pretty sure that as long as i look the way i do, i have about the same chance of scoring as a jewish candidate for emperor had in Berlin during WWII. Ah well, masturbation has served MANkind well for millions of years and i dont see any reason to break that chain now. So while i make frequent trips to Sam's Club to purchase family sized containers of baby oil, clean cut, sweater wearin', J Crew guys are out getting their boots smoked but never having a meaningful realtionship because they're too busy buying new khaki shorts with frayed edges and Phish albums to worry about conversation or life or anything....not that i'm bitter. If given the choice between exterminating this type of guy or the entire population of Canada, I would definitely need some time to think over my decision. And i really, really hate Canada! Anywho. Today's topic of discussion, other than my embittered rage at shallow excuses for human beings, is drugs. I'm sure this won't be the only time that drugs come up in my discussions cause dammit i do a lot of them. I'm pretty sure it will come as no shock to anyone reading this page that i am fully in support of the lagalization of marijuana.  This is a drug that has no adverse side affects other than the whole lung cancer thing, but it causes about the same amount of lung cancer as the carbon monoxide filled crap we breath everyday. For anyone who has never smoked marijuana it is a very interesting experience and i suggest you try it at least once. I make this suggestion because even if you don't mean to take it up as a hobby (as i have), you can still use your first hand knowledge to tell your children that smoking it is not a wise thing to do without sounding like a hypocrite who never did anything they weren't supposed to. I'm the first person to tell you that you shouldn't go out and rob gas stations for fun or shoot innocent bystanders because you've got the time and the bullets (unless they're Canadian, or really old). You should, however, try marijuana. It could have so many benefits if legalized.
1) If the government controlled it, they could tax the hell out of it and belive me there are enough pot smokers in the country to pay off the national debt four or five times over. Hell i could prolly help that situation a lot just by myself. 2) The MAN could also regulate the strength and purity of the substance. This is what they do in Denmark. The government controls the drug's quantity and quality so that you get more bang for your buck and its not due to some 14-year-old kid with a beeper and a ferrari testerosa who decided to sell you something laced with heroin just so he could tell you it was good shit and charge you \\$30 a gram. Don't get me wrong, i have no problems with heroin, I've never used ti but i have no beef with anyone who chooses to shoot tar into they're veins, but i don't want to smoke some pot and then wake up in the morning next to Chewbaca and a 3 foot black dildo. 3) This drug cures cancer!!! Yes my friends, marijuana has been proven to slow the effects of, if not stop completely, cancer. The killer of innocent millions can be slain with a beautiful green miracle! Plus you get the added privledge of being high, which let me tell ya is a helluva lot of fun. 4) Zero violence. There is no such thing as a violent pot head. Even if you did manage to get angry while you were high, which belive me is incredibly dificult, you would never have enough motivation or energy to get up and do something about it. You'd be too relaxed. It would go a little something like this: Brad: He did what?! I'll kill that mothufucka! (tries to stand up) Aww fuck it, he prolly had a good reason. (sits back down) Somebody pass the Reeses Pieces. Hehe...that shit rhymes. Now for those of you out there who still aren't convinced, and are shaking your little drug free heads to and fro...wise up! You're prolly saying to yourself, "I have no reason to try that stupid drug anyway." But you're wrong, of course. When i was 5 i had never had a cheeseburger, and i had no reason to ever have a cheeseburger, but i did have one and i liked it a lot. You don't know what you're missing because you haven't seen it yet. Try it once and if you're not fully satisfied I'll give you your money back. In fact you won't even have to buy any...if it's your first time I'll buy it for you. How can you say no to a deal like that?! Here's what just a few of our happy customers have had to say: Chris: Holy fuck, I'm gone! Ryan: Is it just me or are my lips really big? George: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *eats a ritz cracker* Brad: Big Floppy Donkey Dick! That's right! Not only am i the president of the weed smokers society of america, but i'm also a member. You too can join us if you can breathe! Its just that easy! Isn't it about time that i put all the shit i write on the internet? I thought so too. Well you're in luck because i have now officially decided to publish all my works on this here internet doohickey. I don't care what you think of them, i just felt like i should do this. Plus I'm a net addict so I can't stay away. It's just in my blood. So here it is folks: My full body of works to date. Please be gentle, it's my first time. Please read my disclaimer 2/28/00- I won the young Georgia author's contest for the 12th grade at our school with Burst Forth. I got a rhyming dictionary out of the deal and it has been the coolest thing ever. I am now pursuing my career as a rapper.     |
